fuel

Earlier this year I realised that for a long time I had been running on fear. Fear of letting people down, fear of being hurt badly like I have been before, fear of things falling apart and it being my fault. Last week someone I really respect told me she felt like she was running on guilt. Fear and guilt, powerful fuels - they'll drive you a long, long way and keep you going when you feel like nothing else could. It's impossible to think how you'd survive without them - how could any other fuel be as effective? When I admitted that I was afraid to live without fear (heh!), my counsellor suggested 'love' might be as powerful as fear. I almost laughed. Love?? How could that drive me so far and so hard? Perhaps the answer is, it wouldn't.
We've been pushing ourselves too hard again lately, so this weekend we didn't do much. I slept. Watched a great movie. Sat under a tree and read the latest P D James novel. Didn't answer the phone. Today I feel like I'm actually looking at people, listening to what they're saying, caring what they feel. I've written some paragraphs and I like them. I've said no several times to the inner voice telling me to do things that aren't really necessary but add to my feeling of being useful to people. Running on love might be a bit like this.